can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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