whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
