In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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