Michael Bay diarrhea
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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