Kiss
Puke
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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