he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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