There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
