Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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