am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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