Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
