is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
