alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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