i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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