i think my mom watched the whole time
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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