Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
