I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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