i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
