hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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