this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
