you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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