I think i peed on brittanys purse
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
