my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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