Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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