as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
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