i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
