turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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