Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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