I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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