come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
