After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
