Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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