i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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