I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
