batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
you had me at cake vodka
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
