I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just pee around me
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
