I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
