ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
