So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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