she was so not down for the gang bang
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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