I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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