Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
