If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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