just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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