Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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