you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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