Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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