my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
