I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
