some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
