Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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