Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
