somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
zippers are such a cool invention
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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