I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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