I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
