Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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