the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
