nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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