that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
